HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR TEENAGER- Part 2

In today’s culture we have teens who have significant challenges as well as parents who are more stressed.

Our teens lives are so much more complicated and mental health concerns for our teens are amongst the greatest for parents. There is a wealth of opinion, information, research, ‘should and should nots’ out there for parents about how to navigate parenting in the 21st century - it doesn’t escape me that a blog post intended to support parents may appear to add to this.

It can all feel so overwhelming.

As a parent myself, in moments of overwhelm I try to remember the idea of  ‘bringing it back to basics’ …for me, that means relationship.

This is not a revelational concept or thought, but as any parent of a teenager can tell you, maintaining a meaningful connection with your teen can be considered up there as one of the most challenging life experiences for a parent.

A strong and positive parent-teen relationship can have the most meaningful positive impact on our teens development and general wellbeing.

With this in mind here is the second part of our 2 part blog post to share further ideas for fostering, strengthening and maintaining connection throughout the adolescent years (we recommend you take a look at part 1 as well for some key parenting tips and approaches).

Focus on kindness and connection in the home

Teenagers are likely to be more explosive (for reasons we have already talked about). Its likely that they are facing a multitude of challenges through the day, navigating the complexities of social lives, work-loads, holding expectations all while undergoing so much neurological and physiological change  which can leave them feeling out of control and unable to manage things- it can all be very stressful on a daily basis and can cause distress if they don’t feel supported.

One of the easiest ways to demonstrate support for our teens is to foster kindness on the home front. If we interact with out teens with calmness, kindness and collaboration we create a safe base in which they can decompress, regulate, learn how to problem solve and individuate safely and remain securely connected to you.

A way to do this is to focus on ‘tuning in’ to your teens behaviours, responses, emotions and  then checking in with them “hi buddy…you look a bit flat, how you going?”- this may not go anywhere but if done regularly teaches your teen that you notice and are there for them.

Responding to your teens bids for connection can also help remain connected. Teens may not say much, their actions can be a lot of non-verbal communication – if we ‘tune in’ to this we can then seize golden opportunities to connect with our teens e.g. your teen comes into the kitchen with no purpose, just to be around you. Take notice and engage with them “hi mate you hungry? …what you up to?”. This can open up conversation or just open up time being together. If these moments,  no matter how short, are responded to and not dismissed, they can make all the difference to the relationship you have with your teen.

A focus on connection before correction in times of challenging behaviour, can also help maintain meaningful connection with your teen.  We know that mistakes and bad choices will be made (e.g. bongs, sex etc) the message in these times should be “I believe in you and know you are more than this, how can I support you or be with you  while you navigate how you are going to get through this tricky time?”

The way that we can help teens hear this as the message instead of ‘you should’ and ‘just listen’ etc is to not focus on punishments as the go-to response. Punishments are notorious for not allowing learning to happen (teens will not learn resilience, coping , behaviour change or problem solving). Punishments as the word suggests are punitive and are often married with phrases like: ‘you’re just disrespectful’, ‘you are rude’ etc. Clear boundaries and discipline in the form of consequences for repeated negative behaviours/unhealthy patterns are necessary but should be made when parents and teens are both in calm states and as much as possible done in a way that involves our teens in the process in collaborative problem solving of the issue, that allows them to be invested and accountable.

Give specific positive praise/words of appreciation

Be intentional about identifying positive behaviours or things your teen does well- no matter how small. In Adolescence we often fall back to frequent messages/comments about what our teens are not doing well i.e. “why do you always forget?!” “Can’t you just do what your told?!”  “How hard is it to do one job”. We forget that hearing the failings over and over again can reinforce some negative self-beliefs that we, as parents want to be able to counteract. This doesn’t mean being inauthentic with what we say or going over the top, but it means actively paying attention to the positives to help counterbalance any negatives e.g. “I noticed you took the garbage out, thanks its really helpful”.

Basic needs

The meeting of basic needs can have powerful impacts! And help create stability in a time of so much change. Sleep is important for mood, cognition, healthy brain development etc. Having no technology in teens rooms at bedtime and no access to WIFI at this time can help minimise barriers to a good night’s rest.

Food is important for obvious reasons but given the amount of growth at this time, regular, healthy food can have a powerful impact on mood and energy.

A focus on creating routine and structure in the family home can also add to a sense of stability when everything else may feel chaotic.

Physical exercise can also not be underestimated in terms of how impactful it can be to help regulate and keep teens’ minds and bodies fit and healthy.

Normalise failing

To show as parents that you too can make mistakes and own them is wonderful modelling for your teen. Talking about your failings outload models to your teen that everyone is human that it is an essential part of development as a human to be able to reflect on our behaviour, learn from it, apologise and be vulnerable.

This helps develop our teens capacity to cope with challenges and learn essential interpersonal skills to support their emotional competency.

Identify how your teen likes to connect with you

Know how your teen likes to connect and spend time with you, how do they like to be shown love? physical affection? Through activities with you? Through sit down conversations?

Know the ways they like to connect and create opportunities, or where possible spontaneously engage in this one-on-one quality connection time.

Reinforce the message that they are loved

We want our teens to be able to call us in times of need, we want them to be safe and help keep others safe. To help this they need to hear the message that they are loved no matter what they say or do, that they have your support no matter what. Showing this in various ways regularly can help our teen internalise this belief e.g. showing them by saying you love them, by not becoming explosive and reactionary when they have made poor choices, by showing it in writing e.g. a little note for them in the morning etc.

The parent-teen relationship is the greatest positive influence for teens in their navigating adolescence and it is the most powerful element in supporting healthy teen brain development paving the way for an emotionally intelligent and capable adulthood.

References

Siegel, D. (2013). Brainstorm.  

Dent, M (2020)- From Boys to Men- Guiding our teen boys to grow into Happy Healthy Men

Bryson, T.B, and Siegel, D. (2012)- The Whole Brain Child

Havighurst, S.S. & Kehoe, C.E. (2021). Tuning in to Kids: An emotion coaching approach to working with parents. In Allen, J.L., Hawes, D.J. & Essau, C.A. (Ed.s), Family-based Intervention for Child and Adolescent Mental Health: A Core Competencies Approach.Cambridge University Press: Cambridge.